Ninjas Aren't Bulletproof
by sinemoras09
Summary: When a swordsmith invents the revolver, the different clans scramble to adapt. AU. Gen. Crack. Vague spoilers for everything.


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With the invention of the rifle, the different clans react in different ways.

The Nara clan embrace it for its practicality. Ever the enterprising clan, they are quick to develop different permutations off the same idea: soon the Nara are the first owners of the Konoha cannon; its members wear rifles strapped to their backs.

"We don't even have to use our shadow techniques!" Shikaku says, and he aims his weapon and shoots.

"Shit!" Deidara says, because even though he can fly, he can't outfly a bazooka.

xXx

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The Uchiha clan is too proud to use the guns. "Hmph. The elite do not have to stoop to such crude methods," Fugaku says. The rest of the clan agrees, arms crossed and red eyes glaring.

Naturally, they balk when someone figures out you can break out of a genjutsu by randomly shooting into the air.

xXx

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The Hyuuga take to handguns like the proverbial fish to water. Their Byakugan make it so that even the littlest Hyuuga shinobi is an eagle-eyed sharpshooter, shooting rusty cans on the stumps of trees miles and miles away.

"We can shoot just as well!" The Uchiha say. Their sharingan flash, but their sight with regards to distance just doesn't rise up to par.

Nobody thinks to use genjutsu to make their targets stand still. That would be cheating, anyway.

xXx

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The massacre fortunately does not take place, because Hyuuga nin are packing heat. Sharp-shooters quell the rebellion one well-placed bullet at a time; two to the kneecaps, one to the arm.

Little Sasuke asks, "Nii-san, how come there are guards around the Uchiha quarter?" and Itachi mumbles something about shinobi lacking civil rights and that there's such a thing as the lesser of two evils, but Sasuke doesn't really understand.

The Sandaime doesn't like it. Danzou starts to strut with pistols hidden in the fabric of his clothes.

xXx

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Bullet-proof vests become standard ANBU wear, and the masks serve more than just having ceremonial significance. "We are becoming a police state!" the Sandaime laments to his colleagues, but everybody shrugs.

No one thinks anything of the metal detectors being installed at the Academy doors.

xXx

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Shy little Hinata kicks everyone's ass in marksmanship.

Hyuuga Neji is _pissed_.

xXx

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Orochimaru still stalks Sasuke at the chuunin exam.

"Uchiha Sasuke," Orochimaru says. "What a beautiful boy."

Uchiha Itachi does _not_ take kindly to Orochimaru's threats, and dispatches with him and the Sound nin easily.

He is ANBU, so nobody else really knows.

xXx

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When Jiraiya comes to town, the Sandaime expresses his wish to retire. He's old and his bones are beginning to ache.

They find Tsunade and drag her in, kicking and screaming.

Some things really don't change.

xXx

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"Why do I have to wear this?" Naruto says. "It's big and it itches and it's heavy too!"

Iruka stares at him frowns.

"Because ninjas aren't bulletproof, Naruto," Iruka says. Naruto squeezes his eyes and tries not to whine.

xXx

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Sometimes the guns add more problems than they solve.

Unlike kunai or shuriken, where all you have to worry about is sharp edges, now you have to worry about not shooting yourself in the feet.

Civilians can use guns too, and suddenly shinobi are wrapped up in not only dealing with enemy nin, but with civilians who think they're sharpshooters too.

xXx

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It takes an assassination attempt to bring everything full circle.

The Hyuuga are put on lockdown: of course, who _else_ among the clans would be daring enough to try to kill the Sandaime?

Suddenly, there's talk of Hyuuga wanting to rebel.

xXx

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In the ANBU meetings, Hyuuga Neji wants to throw up.

"It's an eye for an eye," Danzou says. "Only another Byakugan can match the Hyuuga threat!"

Tsunade disagrees, and shows her feelings with the others by punching Danzou in the head.

The elders sit and stare.

xXx

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It's early morning when the rebellion happens; Hyuuga take to the streets, packing machine guns and their Byakugan eyes.

The Uchiha are called to defend the barracks of the city, but Fugaku merely shrugs. "We were told we are not a part of Konoha," Fugaku says. "How will defending them benefit us?"

Itachi yells something about honor and shinobi loyalty and _why must you be so pig-headed, Father?_ and Sasuke sits glaring as the fight continues to rage.

Secretly, Danzou hopes the Hyuuga succeed, because it would only prove him right.

xXx

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In the end, it's the Aburame clan who saves the day: their insects swarm over the Hyuuga's field of vision while the Aburame stand and wait, miles outside their shooting range.

The Hyuuga becomes a clan of missing-nin, and an arrest warrant is issued for Hinata, because she's the daughter of the clan head.

Neji is the only Hyuuga permitted to stay.

xXx

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"Naruto-kun," Hinata says. "I have to leave."

"What?" Naruto says. "Why? Hinata-chan, it wasn't you!"

It's Itachi who's caught helping the Hyuuga traitor, though she technically had nothing to do with the fight.

Pein attacks; Danzou rises to power and Itachi becomes a missing nin. Sasuke is charged with the task to find him.

Rumors spread that members of Root were behind the original assassination attempt; Danzou doesn't seem to care.

xXx

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Naruto wails about Sasuke hunting Itachi, because he's helping Hinata and dammit, Sasuke! He's your _brother_, dattebayo!

For good measure, Danzou makes the Uchiha a clan of missing nin, too.

xXx

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"Wow," Temari says, at the council of the elders in Suna. "Konoha's really effed up." The Suna elders listen and nod as Temari describes the Uzis on the street and the bullet-holes punched into the walls.

The Uchiha and the Hyuuga arrive in Suna, pledging allegiance to Gaara and the Country of the Wind.

Konoha and Suna go to war.

("Wow," Ino says, in a sentiment echoing Temari's, "this is really fucked up."

"Tell me about it!" Sakura says. They dive into a foxhole while Shikamaru hurls a grenade out into the field; a bomb explodes behind them and the machine gun fires, loud. )

xXx

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Naruto leaps into the fray, screaming for Gaara to _stop killing my friends_ dattebayo!

"I am not touching them," Gaara says. Another explosion; dust and debris fall from the ceiling. "Your friends are the one trying to blow up my palace."

"Wha-?" Naruto looks out the window. Konoha jounin are hurling molotov cocktails, but Gaara's sand is too thick to penetrate. The only ones willingly going out to attack are the freaking Uchiha, whose fire-breath is just making everything worse.

"You are lucky you are my friend," Gaara says.

xXx

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For extra fun, Madara appears, red eyes spinning behind his mask. Konoha is in tatters. It's time to take revenge!

The showdown never happens, because Hinata is armed to the teeth and her Byakugan is active; she shoots Madara at the kneecaps.

Well there was one good use for those things, Itachi supposed.

xXx

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When Tsunade comes out of her coma (finally), she issues the following decree:

No more guns. No more uzis. Ninjutsu only, assholes, and stop shooting at my halls!

The guns-for-shuriken program works, only because Tsunade threatens to pummel whatever shinobi still has them.

The war in Suna ends, and the Hyuuga finally come back home.

(The Uchiha decide to make their own village. The Hidden Village of the Eye. It's stupid and Naruto tells Sasuke it's stupid, but they've always been stupid, so there.)

xXx

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When Naruto meets Killerbee, he's packing an uzi with a machete strapped to his back.

"Yo man, I'm packing heat, you and me let's hit the street!"

Killerbee still can't rhyme. Nothing else is new.

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**A/N: THE END? omg, this is so cracked out, I can't believe I even wrote this *facepalm* lol  
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